Conservative Party bitterly derides upcoming election as “big popularity contest”
OTTAWA — With rumours of an imminent Fall election swirling, the Conservative Party of Canada strongly voiced their objections against the entire course of action calling it “completely unjust and reeking of bias” that the party most popular with Canadians got to form the Canadian government.
“How is it fair that just because the majority of the people want someone to be their leader, that automatically makes them their leader,” spoke Erin O’Toole yesterday. “What liberal think tank dreamed up that system?”
Snapping his fingers at a pair of CPC summer interns to wheel out a whiteboard, the Conservative leader began outlining several “vastly improved and much fairer” electoral systems. “Alphabetical, Tallest to Shortest, Order of their leader’s birthdays, Proportional representation—- Wait no not that one,” said O’Toole, frantically rubbing away the text with the sleeve of his jacket.
“Suffice to say, the average Canadian is a mouth-breathing dimwit, who could hardly tell apart their arm from their ass, much less if someone is likeable.”
O’Toole went on to explain that the Conservative Party could easily become just as popular as “those cheap Liberal shills if we stooped to the level of enacting policies that resonated with the beliefs of a majority of Canadians”. The CPC leader then quickly added, “but we’re too real for that.”
“How are we still so unpopular?” asked O’Toole, quasi-rhetorically. “We admitted that climate change might be real. We disavowed most of our alt-right nazis. We’ve done literally everything right and they still don’t like us. Why don’t they like me? Us. Why don’t they like us?”
At press time, O’Toole had been spotted in the corner of the Parliamentary cafeteria eating his lunch alone.
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