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Lots of people hate children and want them to suffer. The popular way to do that now is to make kids wear masks all the time despite the minimal risk from COVID-19 to children. But here are some other things to try out if you really hate children.
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Replace the chocolate chips in cookies with raisins. Haha! Take that, kids! You’re expecting chocolate, but instead, you get the desiccated corpse of a grape.
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Rack up the national debt with trillions in new spending. Hey, kids, I’m taking out a loan, but I’ll be dead when it comes due, so it’s up to you. I hope you weren’t planning on owning a house.
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Clowns. Nothing scares kids more than clowns and their dead, white faces and blood-red mouths. You can pretend you’re trying to entertain the kids when really you’re just giving them years of therapy.
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Have one of the Paw Patrol dogs put down. Hard facts of life, kids; this is what happens to dogs in the real world. And they also don’t like it if you dress them in police outfits.
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Enforce strict commercial regulations on lemonade stands. Oh, you think there’s a kid exception to the law? Officer, I see some health code violations, and you’d better bring some kid-sized batons.
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Send them to public school. Don’t worry, kids; it will be great. You have the teachers’ union making sure you get the least amount of education for the most amount of money.
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Take away their Tuttle Twins books. Ok, that’s too far.
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Tell them that doomsday scenarios from climate change are now unstoppable. That’s just a scientific fact, kids; you have no future. Give up now.
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Trap them in your gingerbread house. If they didn’t want to be trapped in a cage and eventually cooked in an oven, they shouldn’t have nibbled on my house.
There, that should show those stupid kids. I’d love to see the misery on their little faces, but we shouldn’t be able to, because they should also be wearing masks.
NOT SATIRE: Show your kids you love them by saving them from socialism! Here is how the Tuttle Twins is fighting back:
The Tuttle Twins children’s book series is teaching the rising generation about the ideas of freedom, free markets, individual responsibility, and American history.
It costs roughly $10 to print and distribute one copy of the Tuttle Twins. Our goal is to raise $10,000 from Babylon Bee readers.
Thank you,
Connor Boyack
Author, Tuttle Twins
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