Biden: ‘The Taliban Can’t Have Won The War In Afghanistan As They Haven’t Got Any Nukes Or F-15s’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference today, President Joe Biden expressed his bewilderment that the Taliban won the war in Afghanistan against the United States, pointing out that they have neither nuclear weapons nor F-15 aircraft.

“I’m not buyin’ that malarkey!” Biden said indignantly when a reporter asked him his thoughts on the United States spending $2 trillion on a war against shepherds in the desert and losing. “Listen, if you want to come after the United States government, you’re gonna need nukes and F-15s.”

“Wait — are you saying that you’d nuke American citizens if they also challenged the U.S. government?” asked the concerned journalist.

“Listen, no, what I’m saying is–is I’d nuke ’em.”

“So you did say you would nuke innocent civilians?”

“Shut up! That was like 4 or 5 minutes ago! Come on. The point is clear, man.”

At publishing time, Biden had clarified that the Taliban don’t have nuclear weapons or F-15s yet.