It seems with the tough year we’ve all been having, everyone’s been getting the green thumb. Plants and flowers galore! So we’ve compiled the five most crucial tips for growing tulips! In fact, we guarantee they’ll be so powerful that they’ll destroy the Dutch economy.
1. Pick the right soil.
Picking the perfect soil for the flowers you’re growing is the first and most important step in beginning your florist career. Bloodmeal is a vital additive to soil for most plants, and tulips are no exception! Though this product does not actually contain the blood of the Dutch people (unless you make it yourself), the resulting economic devastation from the quality bulbs you grow will inevitably result in preventable deaths!
2. Location, location, location!
Plants need plenty of sun and plenty of drainage to have a healthy growth. So picking a place is vital to the healthy glow of your tulips! I would recommend anywhere but Haarlem, where speculative buyers didn’t show up at a tulip auction in 1637, and began the tanking of the fourth leading export in the Netherlands. They may be suspicious of your plans!
3. Red, yellow, pink, purple, oh my!
Now that you have the soil and the location picked out, it’s time for you to pick the colour tulip you want to grow! Tulips are one of the most colourful flowers in the plant world, so pick whatever shade is your favourite! If we can recommend any, we would choose red, like the red lines that will crash and overtake the Dutch stock exchange in a frenzy of terror and panic seen only once before in history.
4. Pick a watering regimen and stick to it!
You’ve got your set-up, you’ve got your location, and you’ve got your plants. All done right? No! The next step is the upkeep! The first part of which is to learn the watering habits and stick to them. Set a schedule on your phone, your email, whatever! As long as you keep up and build a habit! How else will the bulbs be mighty enough to lure in and then crush any foolish Dutch trader looking to make money off of petals? Honestly it’s their fault at that point anyway. Oh and fertilize every other week in spring.
5. Write a book exaggerating the role tulips had in crashing the economy!
That’s right! The most important part of growing tulips is to lie, or at the very least, overfocus on the effect the tulips had in the crashing of the economy! You could be the 21st century Charles McKay, writing a book largely with unfounded assumptions that has been largely discredited by modern historians! Build a career on lies!
Jesus Christ is King
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