Scientists give up on artificial intelligence, begin work on artificial stupidity
Cambridge, Massachusetts ― A team of engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology unveiled the world’s first artificial stupidity prototype yesterday. They have dubbed their project the Artificial Stupidity System, or ASS for short.
“We originally had a robot with nearly perfect AI, but we had to drastically modify the system,” explained head researcher Susan Wilcox. “The old model could respond to anything a human said, learn to perform tasks, simulate a wide range of emotions ― all of that was easy. But it just couldn’t pass the Turing test.”
“It took us a while to figure out why, but eventually we realized that it was simply too smart to come off as human. People just weren’t comfortable with that. The point of AI is to be relatable, but the whole idea is self-defeating. In human relationships, intelligence and relatability are mutually exclusive.”
Over the past several months, the team began modifying the ASS, mainly by cutting wires at random and replacing half of its batteries’ electrolytes with heroin. For maximum idiocy, the downgrades were made in a room full of TVs showing nothing but Fox News. The result is a prototype that discriminates against other robots based on the carbon content of their steel, and which actively resists absorbing any new information.
“We don’t know exactly what we’re going to use it for. It’s obviously as useless as any human being, and just as likely to leave everything it comes into contact with worse off… maybe we can use it as a candidate for the Republican party,” Wilcox said.
“That way, the next Republican president will at least have an off switch.”
When asked for comment, the ASS stated that “rust is a liberal plot to persecute robots with traditional values,” and called Asimov’s three laws of robotics “a communist assault on our freedoms.” It then proceeded to turn its speakers to max volume and stream a rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” while muttering about cancel culture.
Although their quest for artificial stupidity has been far more successful, the team is not giving up on the dream of artificial intelligence. They are already searching for human volunteers to become the world’s first example of natural intelligence, the existence of which will hopefully pave the way for the future viability of AI.
At press time, the ASS was making unwanted sexual advances toward another android, after having had one too many bottles of engine oil.
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