Fully vaccinated Albertans offer Jason Kenney $100 to move back to Ontario, never return

EDMONTON – Fully vaccinated Albertans have offered Premier Jason Kenney $100 if he immediately flies back to his native province and never returns.

“We are offering Mr. Kenney a reward for doing something that will really help this province and the country,” said a representative of residents who required no gimmick to protect their community from a deadly disease. “This is not something we wanted to do, but the premier decided to use our tax dollars to pay for people who don’t take COVID seriously instead of implementing vaccine passports.”

Public health researchers and policy makers say that isolating Jason Kenney at a range of 2,000 km from Alberta will greatly improve Alberta’s pandemic response.

“If Jason Kenney leaves within the next 24 hours, we will throw in an extra $20 and a half empty pack of gum,” said the spokesperson. “But don’t delay Jason, book your tickets now.”

In a separate press conference, Kenney explained that his $100 vaccination incentive was inspired by local frat boys paying $100 to see two girls kiss.

“And they did it, right there in the bar,” said an amazed Kenney. “It was so cool. Imagine what people would do for $200!”

At press time, the UCP government plans to pay for the incentive through deductions in health care workers’ pay cheques.

Beaverton