GATINEAU, QC – Conservative Leader Erin O’Toole has instructed his staff to throw rocks at him at his next election event.
“Jimmy, this sympathy [Trudeau] is getting in the press is not fair at all,” said O’Toole to his loyal campaign staffer, envious that no irate protesters ever threw gravel at him. “There are so many awful people who want to throw stuff at me, but they’re never around.”
Party insiders agreed that a pebble, piece of graphite, or some other earthly mass being thrown at their boss would give them at least a 2% jump in the polls.
“If my campaign wasn’t just a bunch of private events where guests are thoroughly vetted and the narrative is tightly controlled, someone would have thrown a boulder at me by now,” added O’Toole.
Staffers attempted to locate a rock-like object to hurl at their leader while donning t-shirts that read ‘Antifa’ before finding a few stones in a hotel’s garden.
“God Dammit, Jimmy!” shouted O’Toole at his faithful staffer. “Take the Conservative Party logos off of the rocks!”
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