‘We’re On The Right Side Of History’, Says Party Whose Abortion Position Is Endorsed By North Korea, Harvey Weinstein, Church Of Satan

U.S.—The party that believes they are on the right side of history on every question of politics and morality also shares their position on abortion with North Korea, Harvey Weinstein, and the Chuch of Satan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“We believe all the right things and are morally upstanding unlike that other evil party,” said one woman who believes women should be able to get an abortion at any time for any reason, a position shared with Harvey Weinstein, 100% of Hollywood executives, and every single creepy guy at college frat parties. “I know we’re in the right because we’re in good company.”

“I believe the government should fund abortions,” said another member of the Democratic Party, expressing a position shared by North Korea, Communist China, and Charles Manson. “It’s good for population control and to shape society so that we don’t have any more of those pesky unwanted babies among the poors.”

“Women should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies, have all kinds of crazy sex, and not deal with any of the consequences of their actions,” said Garth Strudelfudd, a popular Democrat journalist/activist. “It’s their body, so it’s their choice. And by ‘their body,’ of course, I mean anything and anyone inside their body, distinct lifeform they created or no.” This position, of course, is shared by other upstanding members of society like the Church of Satan.

At publishing time, the party that agrees with the Church of Satan briefly wondered if they were actually the bad guys in all this, but the thought was quickly dismissed.