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Like advanced CGI in the movies, fake news is getting so good it’s becoming harder and harder to tell the difference between the fake stuff and the real thing.
But not for you. You have The Babylon Bee on your side, helping to separate the wheat from the chaff. We stayed up late last night chugging Mountain Dew and marathoning Frasier on Netflix while researching this article, so you know it’s quality.
We have ranked the trustworthiness of the following popular news sources from one to five stars.
CNN: Literally nothing CNN has ever published is true. Avoid at all costs.
Our rating:
0 stars. Oof. That’s rough. Can’t get much worse than that.
Salon: A group of crayon-wielding schoolchildren drawing superheroes blasting each other with lasers and explosions could probably draw up something more accurate than a Salon article. Avoid.
Our rating:
Negative infinity out of 5 stars. We were wrong, it could get worse.
Reading a box of slightly used cat litter like tea leaves: Slightly better than reading CNN or Salon, but messy and could be hazardous to your health.
Our rating:
Hey- looking better!
The Federalist: A right-leaning site, but not as right-leaning as Newsmax or OAN. Therefore, it is a leftist rag advocating for Marxism. FAKE NEWS.
Our rating:
2 Soviet stars out of 5. Commies.
VOX: A hilarious satire site that perfectly captures the zany and delightful imaginings of our pink-haired leftist friends. Great fun!
Our rating:
Not bad, VOX!
Your MAGA Aunt’s Facebook page: How can one news source be so inspirational, insightful, and 100% accurate at the same time? Come here for your daily dose of Minion memes making fun of Joe Biden, pictures of Trump arm-wrestling Satan, and the latest messages from Q! The only downside is she keeps getting locked out of her Facebook account.
Our rating:
Solid score, Aunt Cathrine.
Breitbart News: Andrew Breitbart climbed Mount Rushmore in late 2007 and began singing the Star-Spangled Banner in a mystical ceremony that birthed the website out of nothing in six literal days. Read it or you’re a TRAITOR TO YOUR COUNTRY.
Our rating:
Say it with us: POLITICS IS DOWNSTREAM FROM CULTURE
Nancy, you know, Joanne’s daughter who lives in that house on the corner with the birdbath? Nancy always knows when there are strange teenagers driving around the neighborhood with their sex music blaring out the windows.
Our rating:
Right in line with Aunt Catherine! Nice!
Info Wars: The pure, uncontested accuracy of this news site transcends man’s feeble understanding. They publish 100% accurate news before it’s even accurate. We can only conclude they are divinely inspired.
Our rating:
Infinity stars. Our highest honor.
The Babylon Bee: Is it cheating if you rank yourself? Nope, because it’s the truth. Our stories have never once been proven false as they are infallible and inerrant in every way. Plus, we have 2 jokes that boomers seem to really like no matter how many times we tell them.
Our rating:
There is really zero room for improvement whatsoever. Unless we find a 3rd joke. That would be cool. Do you know a 3rd joke?
There you have it. Where do you get your news? Let us know by sending a letter to your Congressman.
NOT SATIRE: Trust in media is at an all-time low (shocking… we know) but let’s keep “walking around completely uninformed” as a backup plan.
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