OTTAWA – Sources report that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has sunk into a bout of profound melancholy due to the conflux of COVID, Afghanistan, China, and unpredictable Conservative support, vocalizing his wish to return to the bygone days of elections past when he was simply accused of wearing blackface.
“Hey guys, remember how great the last election was? Wasn’t that just one hot minute after another?” Trudeau exclaimed nostalgically to assembled aides, “I mean sure I was caught having donned skin altering makeup multiple times in my youth, but boy what I wouldn’t give…”
“What I wouldn’t give…” he trailed off again.
Those close to the Prime Minister attribute the yearning for the elementary days of mere black stereotyping to the perceived challenges plaguing the current election. Many have observed Trudeau walking solemnly by himself amongst the willows of Sussex Drive, gazing longingly at the notorious West Point Grey Academy photograph. Security staff have anonymously reported hearing him mutter under his breath, “…simpler times…. simpler times…” and shaking his head knowingly.
“Last night around 3:30 a.m. I got a call from Trudeau out of the blue asking if I wanted to get the old gang back together,” said former Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer, “he kept going on about how ‘J. Slice’ just isn’t the same as he used to be and that the new guy who replaced me has been a ‘total buzzkill’. I couldn’t really understand him between the tears.”
“No one threw rocks at me when I was caught denigrating an entire racial group, even though it would have been WAY more justified than just trying to get people vaccinated,” Trudeau remarked.
Staffers have remarked that, at his most desperate, Trudeau has subtly suggested that they “discover” a new blackface photo and leak it to the press. Though Trudeau intimated that he was sure there were four or five more photos like that out there somewhere, he even offered to get some make-up together to create a new one if need be. He even suggested putting together a photo shoot to cover the entire panoply of visible minority groups.
“Oh man, we had to talk him down from that one,” said a liaison who wished to remain nameless, “But I get it. I mean, when even the Green Party is dunking on you on the regular, you’d do anything to get out of that tailspin.”
However, staff remain hopeful that Trudeau will remember how damaging the scandal truly was during his past election and pledge to cheer him up, just as soon as he stops blaring “The Way We Were” from his bedroom and doomscrolling the CBC 2019 election web archive.
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