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It’s autumn, and that means Bible colleges are back in session and holy love is in the air. Young men everywhere are looking for ways to impress their new Christian peers. She’s gotta get that ring by spring, or who knows if she will ever get married?
Here are ten holy ways to woo the perfect godly Christian girl so you can live a perfect, sin-free life together until the day you die:
1. Show you’re an alpha male by carrying more chairs than the rest of the youth group guys. — Christian females are attracted to guys who can carry dozens of chairs at once. It’s science.
2. Try to lock eyes with her while you lead the worship song “In The Secret” around the bonfire. — Let her know that when you sing “I want to know you/I want to see your face” you’re really singing to her.
3. Tell her the reason you’re scrawny is that you spend all your time on spiritual fitness. — Physical training is only of some value, right, men? This will have her swooning right into your tiny little arms.
4. Drive a 15-passenger van and ask her if she wants to help you fill it up. — The perfect pickup line.
5. Tell her God said you were meant to be together and He’ll be really mad if she says no. — She doesn’t want to upset God, does she?
6. Time your worship swaying so you accidentally bump into each other. — If performed correctly, this is the perfect way to initiate first contact.
7. Whisper into her ear “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” — The twelve words every woman wants to hear.
8. Tell her you’re a Calvinist so she has no choice. — Works every time, as it was predestined to.
9. Offer to work for her dad for seven years. — The biblical approach to getting a spouse. Watch out for trickery, though!
10. Invite her over to Pureflix and chill. — “Hey, babe, wanna come over and watch some Kevin Sorbo movies while we sit three feet apart on the couch?” Tell her not to worry, as your parents will be chaperoning.
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