AUSTIN, TX – Sources close to Elon Musk and Grimes have confirmed that the two are separating after Musk confessed that he “needs more time and space – specifically, outer space.”
“I told Grimes I’m not the kind of man who can be tied down – I thrive in an anti-gravity environment,” Musk said to media in an unofficial interview from inside his mock lunar surface shuttle. “You may be a pop star, but I need to colonize a literal star.”
According to friends of the disconcerting billionaire, Musk also told Grimes that he really needs to work on himself and his ability to withstand high pressure atmospheres right now, and that he’s not ready for a serious relationship on Earth’s surface. One friend claims the only thing that had been keeping the couple together was their shared love of freeze-dried, vacuum-packed meals and also presumably their child.
“Elon’s always been better at relating to cold expanses than to humans,” said a long-time friend of the wealth-hoarding magnate. “He and Grimes were happy together, sure, but he always vibed more with their Dyson vacuum.”
Friends confirm Musk seems at peace with the split. “When I shot that giant penis into space, I felt like I found myself,” Musk admitted, while driving his practice rover around SpaceX headquarters. “Putting a regular human penis into a regular human vagina will no longer satisfy me. I need a rocket-fueled dick, and I need to insert it into the vast, unknowable vagina that is outer space. I think the sun is the clitoris but I have to blast off a few more times to be sure.”
Sources cannot confirm whether the couple will share custody of their child or if Musk will take little X Æ A-Xii back to his home planet. If the latter, child development specialists predict the avant-garde child will “perfectly match the futurist aesthetic of space” which should be great for his growth as the future Emperor of the Galaxy.
“I’ve been telling people ‘I left my spacey ex for SpaceX’ and everyone thinks that’s fun,” Musk said with a laugh. “That’s gonna kill next time I host SNL.” When informed that Grimes is calling him her “space-ex” and that it’s more logical for her to make that joke, he ended the interview abruptly by flying off on his jet pack.
While Grimes has not yet released a statement or tone poem, her close circle says the split was mutual; while Musk needed “more space,” Grimes needed less “dating the literal embodiment of late-stage capitalism.”
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