NEW YORK CITY- Representatives from the United Nations shocked the world today with the release of a damning report predicting that by the year 2030, 80% of all newborns will be named Jackson.
“We are releasing this data not to instil fear, but to inspire change,” said spokesperson Dr. Henry Williams. “We find ourselves at a tipping point, nearing an irreversible cataclysm, but there is still time to turn this all around and pick literally any other name.”
“Seriously. There are SO MANY other names,” implored Williams.
According to officials, evidence of this shocking statistic has been noticeable for several years, but only became a major concern in recent months.
“The first time I heard the name Jackson I thought ‘ok maybe this is just a fluke – like a maternal last name or something’,” said daycare worker Eric Benoist. “But now every single kid in this sandpit is named Jackson? Something needs to be done.”
According to experts, the popularity of Jackson has been rising slowly for decades but only recently has become so glaringly obvious it’s impossible to ignore. This has left policy makers across the globe scrambling to set achievable targets and hopefully redirect course.
“We were so worried about the growing threat of Jaydens, Braedens, and Kaydens we failed to recognize the risk Jackson posed,” said statistician Hanna Applebaum. “If we stand any chance of coming out on the other side of this storm, officials need to enact legislature. Now.”
Applebaum went on to say that in order to aim for a net-zero emission of Jacksons from all nations, policy makers need to provide incentives for other names.
“It’s been a while since we saw a baby named Dave,” said Applebaum “How about a tax incentive for the parents of all Daves?”
At press time, the UN announced the situation was actually far more dire and changed their warning to a code red after realizing their earlier calculations failed to include alternate spellings of the name such as Jaxon, Jacksin, Jacqueson, Jaxyn and Jaxxxon.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.