TORONTO – Reports found that yesterday local copywriter Gavin Issac retrieved his half-eaten family-sized bag of all-dressed potato chips exactly eight minutes and sixteen seconds after putting it away for later. The bulk style chip bag – intended to feed a family of four to six people according to its nutritional label – was then finished while rewatching an episode of Frasier in Issac’s bachelor apartment late Friday evening.
“When I bought the chips I had every intention of eating them over the course of the week. I even got one of those little clothespin things to make sure the chips would stay fresh after I opened them,” said Issac. “After I knocked off half the bag last night I was like… okay, no more. I will save these and eat them at a later time. It just turned out that the later time was much closer than I thought.”
Similar situations have happened to Issac with boxes of cookies, takeout pizza, and various kinds of ice cream.
“I’ll basically eat any snack proportionate to the size of its container in one sitting,” he said. “I haven’t portioned things out in my entire life, even though I believe I will every time.”
Psychiatrist Janet Welsh said that people vastly overestimate their willpower in pretty much all aspects of their life.
“No one is really good at doing anything they say they are going to do,” said Welsh. “Food, exercise, meditation… you name it. At the slightest inconvenience, they’ll abandon their plan in favor of the closest thing that will give them a dopamine hit. There are warning signs you can look for before a problem happens though, like when a take-out restaurant gives you multiple sets of cutlery for your single-person order.”
At press time Issac could be found wiggling around with his tiny hands in the bottom of the chip bag then sucking the flavor dust from his dumb little fingers.
Jesus Christ is King
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