MINNEAPOLIS, MN—A spokesperson for Target Corporation announced that the retailer will be discontinuing their popular baby registry service and replacing it with a new “clump of cells” registry.
“Bringing a clump of cells through the birthing canal is an expensive and stressful process, and Target is here to help,” the press release reads. “Let us be the one-stop-shop for everything your little growing cellular tumor-parasite needs!”
“We have everything a potential clump-guardian could possibly need, from human milk feeding supplies to formula, diapers, strollers, and car seats,” the release continues. “And of course, you’ll find plenty of genderless, cruelty-free, soy-based toys and clothes in our newly remodeled Unborn Clump of Cells department.”
The spokesperson said the rebranding is necessary to keep up with the times. “We made this change after extensive discussions with child development experts, non-gendered birthing persons, and abortion lobbyists,” they noted. “We believe this name change is important because a baby isn’t really a person until it’s been born, educated in a public school, and had a chance to declare its own gender.”
Progressive activists praised the decision, calling it a major leap forward for birthing-persons’ rights. “As a chest-feeding, indigenous LGBT parental unit of color, I applaud Target for their stance on this issue,” said progressive activist Sojourner McWallen. “If I believed in money, capitalism, or the private ownership of goods, I might even shop there!”
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