‘Working In Fast Food Would Be Humiliating,’ Says Man Living On Government Handouts In Parents’ Basement

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MONROE, MI—Local man Chib Whimbly is casually looking for a job that will take him despite him having no useful qualifications whatsoever. Even though every fast food restaurant in the country is desperately begging for people, Whimbly—who lives in his parents’ basement on unemployment assistence—says fast food would be beneath him.

“What I’m really looking for is a place that will pay at least 100K for me to record TikTok videos in my backyard,” he said. “Fast food would be humiliating!” 

Experts have noted an epidemic of shameless people who would rather live a life of leisure collecting tax money from hard-working people—like some sort 18th-century foppish French aristocrat in a powdered wig—than suffer the indignity of a hard day’s work. 

Whimbly is hoping to get back to work as soon as the right opportunity—preferably one that offers unlimited vacation and snacks—presents itself. 

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