Opinion: I’m actually protesting at this hospital because the cafeteria options are bad

Sick Kids, Toronto – It appears there’s been a misunderstanding. I am not some jerk who is protesting at this hospital because I don’t want to be vaccinated. I am protesting at this hospital because the food court options should be better.

Don’t group me in with all these crazy people who want to disrupt life-saving medicine over their perceived removal of “freedoms.” I am a normal person. I put my pants on one leg at a time, I love my family, and I think if my hospital doesn’t have a readily available Panera Bread open 24/7 then it should be shut down immediately.

I am not ignorant like these are assholes who should have been taken away by the police months ago. I am simply a man who knows nobody likes Tim Hortons or eats there ever while the ever-popular Panera Bread chain is opening a Canadian location every month, booming in popularity, and therefore should be readily available after I visit my dumbass nephew who tried to wakeboard on his hands. So what if I don’t even have an appointment at a children’s hospital, maybe I’m just in the neighbourhood and I want some of that famous Panera Bread bread. What was the point of visiting my nephew if I can’t have a bread and soup combo at Panera Bread?

I have heard the weird, sickly voice actor for Panera Bread say on the radio I could have “bread and soup” in a combo. That’s a deal they don’t got at Tim Hortons in any way. How can you take pride in your hospital food court if you don’t have a bread and soup deal?

I know they have Panera Bread at Mount Sinai hospital and I know it’s across the street. That is not the point. We’re not at Mount Sinai hospital, we’re at Sick Kids hospital, and I don’t see a Panera Bread within eye shot do you? I’ve got 99 MyPanera points over 15 years and it seems like I’ll never get to 100 points and a free small gingerale at this rate.

Sure, the hospital staff have told me I could franchise my own Panera Bread if I love it so much. But is that what this country has become? I gotta make my own Panera Bread just to get it inside this hospital? What happened to democracy?

It’s crazy to me that people would be allowed to protest something as stupid as being vaccinated when we’ve got bigger issues, like Paneragate, which if you’ve become a free-thinker like me, will now consume you. So call your MPP, email your mayor, and let’s get these crazy anti-vaxxers off my precious protesting territory so we may all get Panera Breads back into the hospital food court where they belong.

Beaverton