Bullied kid in haunted house relieved to see companions picked off one by one

HUNTSVILLE, ON ― Local 16-year-old Simon Norris was reportedly delighted to discover that a supernatural creature was gradually capturing the classmates with whom he was exploring the old Douglas place tonight, thus freeing him from the pressure of fitting in.

“Man, this is the best! At first I was terrified of coming here, but I couldn’t back out or I’d have looked like a coward. But now that someone or something has already taken Dakota, Megan, and Jason, I’m on track to be completely alone before dawn!” exclaimed the nerdy teen as he wandered the dusty, creaky halls of the abandoned mansion and alleged murder site.

“Not only that, but I started out as the seventh most popular kid here, and already I’m the fifth! How’s that for climbing the social ladder?”

Concerned parents Logan and Sidney Norris confirmed that their introverted son is rarely included in social functions, receives regular wedgies for joining Model UN instead of basketball, and eats alone in the library while working on pet projects. It was during one of these lonely lunch periods that he taught himself a little about lockpicking, which is the only reason he was asked along tonight.

According to Norris, who is still under the impression that he was invited because his peers finally recognized him as a worthy human, picking the locks was much easier than picking the right clothes for breaking into a derelict building with a group of jocks and cheerleaders.

Although the popular kids’ original plan was to sacrifice Norris at the first sign of trouble, years of being shoved into lockers have ensured his continued existence tonight, giving him quick reflexes and the ability to exploit even the smallest hiding place.

Sources say that the night continued to improve, as the four remaining teens accidentally got split into pairs, and bloodcurdling screams indicated the disappearance of the Grant brothers, Mark and Bradley. This was followed by the burning out of the flashlight Norris was sharing with Hannah Lopez, which meant Norris’ raging acne and chronic inability to make eye contact were no longer visible to his hot and entirely unattainable crush. 

However, Norris’ obvious dorkiness became a problem again when Lopez insisted that he talk continuously to reassure her that he was alive, asserting that “being stuck with a loser like you” was just barely preferable to the alternative. This subjected him to the stress of trying to sound interesting, while worrying that his voice might crack at any moment.

“Luckily, Hannah was snatched exactly when I needed it most, immediately after I tried to tell her how beautiful she looked today, only to realize halfway through that I was implying she wasn’t usually pretty. Damn, did I ever choke on that one. But then I heard her also literally choking and saw that she was being strangled by some glowing figure with fangs and torn clothes, so now I’m the only person who remembers what a fool I made of myself.”

At press time, Norris’ anxiety had returned in full force after he realized that he was completely unprepared for making small talk with monsters should he encounter one himself.

Beaverton