MENLO PARK, CA – Following the announcement that the corporation which owns Facebook, Instagram and Oculus has changed its name to Meta Platforms, Inc., the process which results in cancerous tumours is concerned that people will think it’s somehow related to the newly renamed but still deeply controversial company.
“I may be responsible for millions of deaths worldwide every year, but I have the excuse of being a mindless physiological event during which formerly healthy cells proliferate uncontrollably,” metastatic cancer said. “It’s not like I profit from the chaos and damage I inflict and use my ill-gotten wealth and power to ensure I will not suffer any consequences for the havoc I wreak upon the world.”
Metastatic cancer isn’t the only one who’s worried about Facebook’s new name harming their reputation by association. The website Metacritic, the discipline of metaphysics, and the concept of meta humour are all distressed by their new, unwelcome connection with the company formerly known as Facebook, Inc.
“I was the cool kid of postmodern comedic expression, but now when people say ‘that’s so meta,’ they’ll be talking about profiting from the uncontrolled spread of hate and misinformation,” meta humour said. “I really don’t see why Facebook couldn’t save us all this trouble and change their name to Metastasis, it’s far more accurate.”
“Hey!” exclaimed metastatic cancer upon hearing this. “See? I’m already being linked to them because of this name thing, and also because we both exist solely to spread misery and are by most definitions of the word, evil. This is the worst thing to happen to me since people started using the term ‘a cure for cancer’ as an example of the ultimate good.”
At press time, Meta, Inc was assuring the world’s aunts, uncles, and grandparents that their corporate rebrand has no effect on the Facebook app and that its users would be able to continue to share conspiracy theories and self-radicalize for the foreseeable future.
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