WASHINGTON, D.C.—While at first social media seemed like a great boon — a way for people to share their lives with everyone across the world instantly — now many consider it a detriment that spreads nothing but disinformation and hatred. New regulations aim to fight that, though, by requiring all social media first to be tested on monkeys before it can be used on humans.
“We don’t want social media to destroy people’s lives,” said FDA spokesman Dexter Murray. “It should destroy monkeys’ lives, and then we will know to keep it away from people.”
Tests have already begun, with researchers trying some existing social media on monkeys, such as Facebook and Twitter. So far, the results have been alarming.
“The monkeys have all gotten out of shape and have shown massive deterioration of their mental health,” said researcher Virginia Bowen. “That’s because instead of swinging through trees, the monkeys now spend all day screeching at a laptop. On the other hand, they have developed some primitive meme skills.” Bowen showed off an image a monkey had made of a confused-looking monkey that had written on it in block letters, “EEEE EEEE” (which maybe means something in monkey language).
Another harmful effect is that many of the monkeys no longer press the button to get their food pellets, as a conspiracy has spread on monkey Facebook that pressing the button will give you a shock. “It’s total misinformation,” said Bowen. “The shocks are completely random.”
Some have questioned the ethics of using something as harmful as social media on monkeys, but scientists have assured everyone that “ethics aren’t real” and that scientists “can do whatever they want.”
And one man is very happy about the monkeys’ new internet habit: the monkey research center’s janitor. “Things are just much easier now,” he said, “since their poo-flinging is all virtual.”
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