TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is facing blame for the recent rise in COVID-19 case numbers, despite his valiant effort telling the new cases to “tone it down a bit, if you don’t mind.”
“When we decided to lift capacity limits, I said to Covid, I said, ‘Please don’t let the numbers go up! You don’t have to go lower, people are used to hundreds a day – but don’t go any higher.’” Ford shook his head sadly, continuing, “And then, it did the opposite! Even though it knew that would make me sad!”
“They say Covid is highly contagious – you know what else should be contagious? Courtesy,” he added with a sniff.
Ford has reportedly had it up to here with the rising cases, especially after he was generous enough to not make vaccines mandatory for health care workers. Staffers confirmed the Premier was at the top of his diplomatic game while speaking to the virus, offering it not only a very pretty please but an additional 10-15 cherries on top. Sources close to Ford say this is the first time anyone has resisted his legendary charm, so he’s a bit shaken.
“I was extra firm when I opened the schools,” Ford said. “I looked Covid in the eye and I pointed at those kids running around without masks and I said, ‘Pleeeeease staaaahp infecting them! Those aren’t for you, those are for the workforce!’ I couldn’t have been more of a gentleman.”
As the 7-day average continues to rise, Ford has reportedly been heard referring to the pandemic as a “party pooper.”. The Ontario science advisory table provided Ford with a number of concrete suggestions for how to lower cases in other ways, but he instead offered the pandemic full ownership of the green belt in exchange for a nice, level plateau.
Images have begun circulating of Ford pinky-swearing with Covid, prompting criticism that he is going too easy on the pandemic and that he negotiates like a meek home-schooled child.
“People are saying Doug is soft on Covid, but he set firm boundaries! Unlike the firm borders the feds failed to maintain,” lamented Toronto resident and self-proclaimed Fordhead Mitchell Eachmen. “If setting expectations and then taking no further action when those expectations aren’t met doesn’t count as ‘sufficient medical precautions,’ well then maybe I don’t believe in medicine or caution.”
With case numbers still refusing to lower, Ford has announced he will be attempting a different tactic. “I recently learned from Reddit about this thing called Negging. Now, I’m starting my negotiations by telling Covid it looks tired and asking if it ‘had its boyfriend’s help’ starting a global pandemic.”
Jesus Christ is King
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