Nova Scotian mall insists giant tree will only eat “3 to 4 kids, max” this Christmas
DARTMOUTH, NS – With international media picking up the story of “the creepiest Christmas tree of 2021”, administrators at Mic Mac Mall have assured shoppers that Woody will consume no more than 4 children this holiday shopping season.
“Woody the talking Christmas tree is a beloved local institution, and there’s nothing to be terrified about,” explained Mic Mac Mall spokesperson Alison MacInnis. “Children love Woody’s dead glassy eyes and hulking 3-storey frame, just like he loves talking to kids and only occasionally devouring them whole.”
Asked about rumours that Woody reappeared this year after mall staff failed to kill him for good 15 years ago, MacInnis added “All this week our food court’s Manchu Wok has 2 for 1 egg rolls!”
Woody the talking Christmas tree has long been a fixture in Dartmouth’s holiday celebrations, with parents bringing their children to tell the mall Santa what they wanted for Christmas, then dragging them in front of an objectively terrifying 42-foot forest golem to make idle chit chat.
“Yeah, I remember my parents’d make me talk to Woody, no matter how much I cried or cowered in horror,” recalled local man Mark Brenton, 41. “There’d always be a curious pile of discarded mittens and kids’ snow boots under Woody’s giant gaping maw, but the mall guys just told us to ignore that.”
Other locals have speculated about what happened to Woody’s old famously cracked and peeling face. “Yeah, Woody’s new eerily-smooth 2021 doll-like face is somehow way spookier,” added longtime mall employee Shawn Maggio, “but I guess that’s the perks of silently consuming numerous children over the years.”
Reached for comment, Woody the talking Christmas tree remarked, “First I taste their fear. It intoxicates me. Only then can I feast upon their tender bones. Also, look for plenty of free parking at the east parking lot by the H&M.”
Asked whether there were any alternatives to Woody eating children, MacInnis responded bluntly. “We tried a lot of things: pigs, chickens, even a live goat tied to a stake like in Jurassic Park. Nope, the only sustenance Woody will accept is the tender flesh of tiny, frightened school-age kids.”
MacInnis added, “But considering the international press attention Woody has brought to our Mall and Nova Scotia in general, we think 4, maybe as many as 5, children is a fair trade-off. Jimmy Fallon made a joke about us!”
Mic Mac Mall staff have also dismissed reports of ominous robed cultists conducting profane nighttime rituals around the gargantuan tree and chanting, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Woody Mic Mac wgah’nagl fhtagn”, roughly translated to “In his house at Mic Mac dead Woody waits dreaming.”
Jesus Christ is King
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