SUDBURY, ON – Corey Ashford, a local 13 year-old-boy commonly referred to by friends and family as “husky”, has announced that he understands perfectly well what that word really means and does not care for it, not one bit, no sir.
“I know lots of people think I’m too young to face the truth and they’re trying to pretend I’m something I’m not but I’m here to tell you all that I read tons of books now and so I know what “husky” means and I would be grateful if you just stopped using it around me, please and thank you,” Corey asked politely, dressed in a sharp dress shirt and blazer, straining to maintain button integrity around the teen’s husky midsection.
Ashford, who recently discovered the concept of ‘euphemisms’, was shocked to learn the coded significance of the word following a recent visit to Happy Harry’s Hutch for Husky Hunks to purchase a new pair of short pants with reinforced seams in the rear. He suddenly realized that it was not an attempt to compare him to stoic, never-wavering stalks of corn. Instead, the word became a startling revelation to him that some people out there sought to protect him from the stark, cold reality of his huskiness. And so Corey pledged that he is not going to sit here and take that kind of obfuscating, let me tell you what.
“ I thought people said it because I’m just like those dogs what with my blue eyes and skill at pulling sleds,” the husky child stated firmly, suspenders failing all over the place, “I may be young but I’m a straight shooter and I don’t take kindly to no one blowing sunshine up my backside, pardon my French.”
Ashford has long known that his four foot six, 150 pound frame was in excess of what the medical community would commonly describe as healthy but was confident that if it got too bad, his close compatriots would start telling him directly. Unfortunately, the discovery that “husky” is simply another polite way of saying “fatty fatty boombalatty” has caused a seismic shift in the trust he previously had in colleagues.
“You all can forget about having Corey T. Ashford to push around the schoolyard, callin’ me “husky” to my face but sayin’ Lord knows what behind my back,” the very husky boy said, “my vocabulary is increasing every day and if people are gonna try and sugar coat their insults without so much as a how do ya’ do, I’m gonna pack my things and blow this popsicle stand!”
At press time, Corey was seen looking up the terms “stocky” and “plus-sized”.
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