New White House Dog Professionally Trained To Not Growl When Biden Touches A Child

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a video released by the Administration, President Biden showed off the newest, furry addition to the White House: an adorable German Shepherd puppy named Commander who has been professionally trained not to growl when Biden touches a child.

“It took weeks of intensive training to overcome the German Shepherd’s instinctive desire to protect vulnerable children, but we did it,” said professional pet trainer Bob Heirbouy, who demonstrated by grabbing a child-size doll and sniffing its hair aggressively in front of Commander, who simply tilted his head and looked on. “Commander will be a perfect fit in the Biden White House.”

The dog trainer added that his business is booming since training Biden’s dog to ignore any acts toward children ranging from general creepiness to outright abuse, stating he has received calls from celebrities, business executives, and elite politicians.

“I’m swamped,” said Mr. Heirbouy, “Right now I’m training a cat for the Biden family so it will seek out and pee on stray laptop hard drives.”

Are you a horrible person but on the right side of history? Santa is shocked to discover that’s all it takes to be on the nice list.

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