WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement today, President Biden confirmed he will be extending the pause on student loan repayment since we’re all going to die of Omicron soon and nothing really matters now.
“Listen folks, no joke, it’s that simple. Not kiddin’ around here. For real. Seriously now,” said Biden to the nurse who was changing his catheter bag. “Let’s just pause the student loans. Who cares? We’re all gonna die this winter! Time to focus on what’s important and say goodbye to our loved ones and family members, who are all about to overwhelm the hospitals and die! At this point, why not?”
Biden has also canceled all payments to federal employees, all military operations, and his nightly viewing of Murder, She Wrote so everyone can just go home and die in peace and quiet.
“Humanity had a good run,” said Biden. “I just wish I could sniff every last one of you before the end. Goodbye cruel world!” He then closed his eyes and began to snore.
In defiance of the President’s wishes, Texas and Florida have announced they will stay alive.
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