Poll: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Support Tossing Dr. Fauci In A Volcano

U.S.—According to a poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, Americans’ attitudes toward Dr. Fauci are changing. In a sample of 50,000 respondents, 5% of Americans believe Fauci to be a hero of science, 3% see him as an essential voice for COVID preparedness, and 90% support loading him into a medieval-style catapult and tossing him into an active volcano.

“We are surprised by these results, as ‘tossing Fauci in a volcano’ wasn’t even one of the options on the survey,” said a spokesperson for Pew. “Thousands of people just wrote that in.”

Health experts say the trends in public opinion are “very concerning” and may point to decreased trust in lying political hacks who dress up in lab coats and claim to speak for science.

“It’s alarming to see so many people losing their faith in SCIENCE, and falling into apostasy,” said a spokesperson for Dr. Fauci to the press. “We need to remember that in these difficult times, SCIENCE tests our faith, to see if our hearts are truly loyal.”

Pew Researchers also confirmed that most poll respondents are willing to consider not throwing Fauci into a volcano if they can launch him into the sun instead. 

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