SILVER SPRING, MD—As part of an emergency response to the rise of Omicron, the FDA has approved the use of a brand new Pfizer drug “PfiQuil” to treat the deadly new variant.
“We are pleased that the FDA has approved our brand new drug PfiQuil, which is totally not the same as NyQuil,” said a Pfizer spokesperson while spoonfeeding applesauce to Biden in the White House as two other Pfizer lobbyists massaged Biden’s feet. “For starters, NyQuil starts with “N”, while our drug starts with “P”. It’s also $37,000 per box.”
Doctors are recommending PfiQuil for anyone with symptoms related to Omicron, such as headache, fever, runny nose, sneezing, and man-cold.
The Biden Administration has made clear that due to shortages, PfiQuil will only be offered to Omicron-infected Americans who have been triple-vaxxed. Anti-vaxxers will be forced to settle for NyQuil.
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