It’s that time of year again—when the infallible prophets at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2022 be better than this year? You decide!
Here is a definitive list of things that will happen in 2022:
January 1 – USPS will deliver your Christmas package
January 6 – Second insurrection attempt canceled
January 20 – Pfizer unveils booster shots 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8
January 21 – Men break every record ever held by women
January 22 – Harvard gender studies professor discovers five new pronouns
January 23 – The Babylon Bee discovers a 3rd conservative joke
January 25 – Obama releases another memoir
January 27 – Mark Zuckerberg finally learns how to smile with his eyes
February 1 – WHO runs out of Greek letters for variants and starts naming them after the Muppets
February 2 – Jan 6th committee finally catches your Grandma
February 26 – China officially annexes United States
March 1 – Bill Clinton plants the flag on brand new Epstein Island
March 3 – Space Force training exercise accidentally blows up Mars
March 10 – Obama releases yet another new memoir
March 25 – Meat is outlawed, replaced with delicious bugs instead
April 1 – AOC red-pilled after reading an economics book
April 19 – Man dressed as woman hailed as first woman to not complain about being cold
May 5 – Hollywood studio announces all-female reboot of Ghostbusters: Afterlife
May 10 – Firefly renewed for 12 new seasons. Unfortunately, it’s written by the writers of the 2nd season of Ted Lasso
June 6 – AOC tweets something dumb
August 15 – The only child to be named “Brandon” for the entire year is born
September 5 – Jen Psaki becomes Ben Psaki
October 8 – Obama releases new memoir
October 11 – Ted Cruz finally gets to spend a week in Cancun
November 17 – Republicans bravely squander control of Congress
December 10th – You still can’t get your hands on a PS5
December 25 – Christmas will occur on this day
December 27 – Obama releases new memoir
December 30 – Ghislaine Maxwell’s black book leaked, will be released in January
December 31 – Jesus returns
RED ALERT: this is not a joke. Elon Musk sat down with The Babylon Bee for an in-depth interview on wokeness, Elizabeth Warren, the Metaverse, and how the left is killing comedy.
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