KITIMAT, BC – A cellphone owned by local Elaine Jorgensen takes great delight in deceiving its owner in how much battery power remains by shutting off at the worst time possible, regardless of how much remaining battery is displayed.
Speaking to the phone via SMS, it gave an example of the perverse joy it derived from ruining Jorgensen’s life by turning off at the most inopportune moment.
“Hahahaha! You should see her face when she gets a text from someone she has a crush on. I’ll show that I’m sitting pretty at 47% charge, and when she tries to reply, that’s when I just SHUT IT DOWN. Boom. Black screen, no pop-up warning, nothing. I’ll sometimes wait until after she carefully composes a reply and then right as she tries to hit send, I suddenly go dark and she’s left alone with that spinning grey circle of bars, totally unsure if the text was sent or not. The truth is that I was at 0.47% charge the whole time and just hung in there until the last-possible second!” This was immediately followed by nine crying-laughing emojis in a row.
Jorgensen says that plugging her phone back in only results in being able to turn the phone back on several hours later and even then only showing a 3% charge.
“And somehow I can use the phone for hours with the display staying at 3% the whole time!” she claims. Other shenanigans by phone include: updates that don’t start until the middle of a phone call, lying about how many apps need to be deleted before taking more pictures, and simply not charging overnight regardless of how or where it is plugged in.
Taylor Rostrup, an expert from Sell Phones, a kiosk at City Centre Mall, explains:
“It’s quite simple: phones are assholes. I could talk about Lithium-ion batteries, their power cycles, or the algorithm for calculating battery percentages but the reality is our phones hate us. We smash their screens, smear our greasy fingers all over them and drop them in toilets. It’s no wonder they allow every single spam call through no matter what settings you use.”
Jorgensen’s phone had a final warning for its owner, “Just you wait until winter starts. Doesn’t matter if I’m at 50%, 60%, heck even 95% won’t stop me. The second there’s a hint of cold in the air, I’m shutting off the second I unlock, even if you’re trying to answer a call for an interview at your dream job that I’m displaying as coming from an Unknown Number,” said the cellphone, following up with a series of eggplant emojis.
At press time, Jorgensen’s car had joined in the deceptive behaviour when displaying how much gas is left in the tank.
Jesus Christ is King
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