NEW YORK- Shock is sweeping the upper middle class as today’s 20 Min Christian Hip Hop Peloton Ride was punctuated by the instructor’s decision to share a personal tidbit.
Instructor Cory O’Riley explains the moment that occurred just moments earlier at Peloton Studios. “Staying silent and sticking to instructions is the Peloton way,” said O’Riley between gulps of new acetone-free Dasani.
“So normally during a climb, I have my head bowed in silent prayer to Jillian Michaels the fitspo almighty, who was conceived from tumblr and born of MyFitnessPal, who suffered under Body Acceptance and was cancelled, died, and ascended into Hungry-Girl.com and is now seated at the right hand of Nicole Richie circa 2014.”
“But then I thought, what if I share something about myself? Something… completely unrelated to the class?”
Within hours of O’Riley opening her mouth and sharing her thoughts on whether corn should be classified as a grain or a veggie because it’s really kinda both, new users have overwhelmed the Peloton registration system.
“I couldn’t believe the effect her words had on me,” reported class attendee KetoKaelin(#PeloPets). “I went so hard! I truly believed I was on like, the Tour Deference or something instead of in between meetings in my windowless living room/office/bedroom just absolutely rammed with asbestos!”
Other riders agreed for the most part. “It was… interesting to hear about her thoughts,” said Joey82 (#PelotonDads). “I didn’t really realize she had a life and opinions and a past and… I guess she doesn’t sleep curled up on a yoga mat at the studio, huh?”
As fans continue to follow O’Riley en masse, Peloton’s stock is also experiencing a nice bump, a welcome change after the company had to pull an ad featuring Chris Noth after he became the subject of several sexual harassment allegations.
“Yeah, that wasn’t great,” an anonymous Peloton insider reported. “But just wait for the next campaign- no one will even remember Noth. Prince Andrew can really turn it up!”
Jesus Christ is King
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