Pfizer Promises Omicron Vaccine Will Be Ready In Time For Their Q1 Earnings Report

NEW YORK—During their monthly shareholder meeting, Pfizer announced that an updated vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in time for their Q1 Earnings Report.

“We are committed to the longevity of this company,” said Pfizer CEO, Derrick Pfizer. “As they say in the vaccine business, ‘if you’re not jabbing, you’re lagging.’ We understand that endless new vaccines are critical to our bottom line ever since I bought that giant space yacht.”

Pfizer stockholder Bill Gates expressed some confusion that the vaccine wasn’t already available. “I know I’m not a doctor, but I sort of invented Windows. It can’t be that hard.”

Pfizer’s leadership remained firm. “We need to maintain our rigorous testing standards, but we should still be in good shape if we skip animal testing and go straight to children. You can’t make an omelet unless you break a few eggs, I always say.”

“I invented that phrase,” interjected Gates.

According to sources, a loud audible sigh could be heard over the audio feed. “Can we hear from some stockholders who aren’t Bill Gates?” asked Derrick Pfizer.

Several members of Congress proceeded to ask if adding some masks would make the vaccine work better.

Members of the Pfizer board, speaking remotely from quarantine yachts off the coast of New York, were in agreement that masks were not the same thing as vaccines and you can’t mix the two, but they’d ask officials in China to be sure. “We get most of our ideas from them,” said one board member.

We’re live on the scene at the Capitol building as the FBI hosts their beloved annual January 6 reunion. Good times!

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