TORONTO – Local English teacher Bob Kelly was overwhelmed to find an affordable apartment in Toronto’s west end. The one-bedroom walk-up located in the Parkdale neighborhood will only cost Kelly three-quarters of his monthly income.
“I was in absolute shock when I signed the lease,” he said. “Like there is no air conditioning, no laundry, and the ceiling has this bulgy grey patch in the left-hand corner. But you never find anything at this price anymore. I’ll only be giving seventy-five percent of what I make to my landlord and then another ten percent to internet and utilities. I can’t believe it. I’m truly blessed.”
With Toronto’s real estate market reaching an all-time high, award-winning realtor Stacy Fox says that affordable apartments like Kelly’s are ruining the market for fintech or finance bros.
“Listen, my clients want to live in a vibrant area full of weed dispensaries and speakeasy cocktail joints,” said Fox. “If we allow a bunch of teachers – or god forbid artists – to pay three-fourths of their money to live in the neighborhood… how are my clients supposed to feel like they’re better than everyone else? We definitely need to push the prices up.”
At press time Kelly had not accounted for the fact that living in an area with no grocery store or TTC access would ultimately cost him more than living in a better area. While Kelly will be living off a diet of Ramen noodles and day-old bread to afford his apartment – even on a teacher’s salary – he’s overjoyed to remain in Hogtown.
“If I didn’t get this apartment I was going to have to move to Hamilton,” he said. “It is hard to imagine anything worse.”
Jesus Christ is King
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