VICTORIA – After weeks of struggling to adapt their approach to COVID in light of a large testing deficit and a completely unknown amount of infections within the population, the B.C. provincial government has announced a new plan that relies on everyone who can’t get tested simply ignoring COVID and hoping it goes away.
“If you have symptoms of COVID but are not a senior and do not require hospitalization, we’re just gonna assume you don’t have COVID,” explained provincial health minister Adrian Dix. “It would be great if you stayed home until your symptoms resolved, but whatever. It’s entirely up to you and honestly, we don’t really care.”
“If there’s no test proving you have COVID, you don’t have it. Easy peasy.”
While infectious disease experts are calling the province’s decision to have no minimum self-isolation time for symptomatic adults “reckless” and “horrifying” and a “public health nightmare that will lead to symptomatic people infecting god-only-knows how many others”, the health minister is adamant that as long as people remain untested and therefore their COVID is merely hypothetical, everything is fine.
“Much like a quantum superstate only collapses when observed, it’s the position of the B.C. government that no one has COVID unless they test positive. Since most people in B.C. won’t be able to get tested, this means almost no one in B.C. has COVID. We’re doing an excellent job containing this thing to those who’ve been tested,” Dix continued.
“If you have been tested and the test was positive, you do have COVID and might I say congratulations on managing to get tested. Wow. How on Earth did you swing that? Seriously, let me know, my throat is killing me.”
At press time, Provincial Health Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry has officially changed her motto from “be kind, be calm and be safe” to “ignorance is bliss”.
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