TORONTO – A recent socio-economic study by the University of Toronto suggests that the COVID-19 pandemic has put many millennials in the most retirement home-like settings they will ever experience.
“Our survey of respondents in their 20s and 30s who’ve had to self-isolate for COVID-related reasons found that they have adapted lifestyles similar to those living on a pension,” said researcher Erika Chung. “Participants of our study mentioned they are spending more time on their hobbies, complaining about minor things, and getting really excited when someone shows them pictures of their baby.”
Dylan Amir, who participated in the study mainly as an excuse to get out of the house, says he fully agrees with Chung’s findings. “I mean, that does explain why I was wondering why my kids hadn’t called me today, before remembering my kid is 10 months old,” the 29-year old said during a break from an online bingo game.
“Also, now I can finally yell at the TV as loud as I want.”
Following the study’s publication many young people are embracing what is most likely to be their most relaxing years. Kayla Liston, a 32 year old living in Vancouver, says that after reading the study she’s been dipping into the money she got selling her old Beanie Babies and enjoying her not-so golden parachute.
“It’s a good thing I already traded my weed gummies for hard candies,” explained Liston, finally having time to work on/start her knitting. “I’m really having a great time hunkering down and waiting for the end. My life is like the Golden Girls, except that there are nine of us and we all have to share one bathroom.”
Surprisingly, Chung theorizes that self-isolation may not be as beneficial to millennials as retirement is to senior citizens.
“While having the free time of a retiree with the health of a young person might sound like ideal circumstances, it’s important to remember a lot of things that are usually enjoyed during retirement aren’t available to millennials due to the pandemic,” Chung detailed. “Things like travel, group exercise classes, prepared meals, basic financial security, and wild retirement home orgies aren’t as accessible to the 20-somethings in the current situation. And social media has made writing memoirs kind of pointless.”
“On the plus side, at least it keeps them from longboarding.”
Currently, Chung and her team are seeking funding for a related study to find out if this has any bearing on why more young people are reportedly getting up in the middle of the night, or if those are just common anxiety-fuelled sleep disorders.
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