PITTSBURGH, PA—Fern Hollow Bridge in Pittsburgh collapsed Friday morning, injuring ten people. Luckily no one was killed, although the bridge itself died violently. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg arrived at the scene hours later where he cracked open a bottle of champaign and laughed boisterously at the destruction of the racist bridge.
“This is a great day for civil rights!” cheered Buttigieg, who just last year claimed America’s highways were racist.
Buttigieg’s assistant passed out drinks so the politician could clink glasses with first responders. He then laughed and pointed at the bridge. “Look at this dumb bridge!” he said, punching down with intense mockery. “Ya buuuuuuurned!”
“We saved a lot of people. I thought he was celebrating our hard work,” said Clive Fireton, a firefighter who was among first responders. “But then he just started laughing like a mad man, as if the bridge deserved to die for being racist.”
“It’s just a bridge.”
Buttigieg continued to mock the rubble and take selfies with frightened bystanders until the president arrived.
President Joe Biden, who’s been pushing infrastructure spending, appeared pleased with the carnage. “Time to spend more money, I guess!” he said.
As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
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