PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—Another celebrity has come out publicly against the dangers of rampant misinformation. The famed groundhog Punxsutawney Phil has refused to emerge from his hole to determine the remaining length of winter until Joe Rogan is canceled.
“I’ve wanted to do something about Mr. Rogan’s dangerous peddling of misinformation for some time now, but couldn’t think of a good way to do it,” said the esteemed rodent while munching a stalk of celery. “Then I heard about some amateur singers named Ned Young and Joni Munchwell making waves and wondered what would happen if an actual celebrity like myself were to join the fray. Of course, my decision was galvanized when the greatest musical artist of all time—Mr. Barry Manilow himself—voiced his protest.”
After hearing the groundhog’s ultimatum, nervous representatives for Spotify, YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace announced the immediate cancelation of Joe Rogan.
Mr. Rogan announced he will continue to record his podcast in his basement. Several media figures then saw their shadows, predicting six more years of the media freaking out about Joe Rogan.
As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
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