LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – In response to growing concerns about the highly-infectious Omicron variant, the International Olympic Committee has opted to do the right thing and add a new event for cross-country infection.
“We understand people’s concern for the safety of our athletes,” says Damien Mortimer, a spokesperson for the same Games where people willingly plummet headfirst down icy slides of death. “That’s why we want to assure them that we are doing everything in our power to make risking these people’s lives into entertaining television.”
Unlike other Olympic events, which adhere to a rigid programming schedule, the cross-country infection competition will be ongoing throughout all sixteen days of the Beijing Games. Athletes and officials who have already arrived in China ahead of the February 4 opening ceremonies are being kept under strict quarantine, in order to prevent athletes from cheating and infecting their competition early.
Though most athletes are already well-poised for the competition by simply breathing heavily in other people’s presence, some contestants have attempted to get a leg up on their competition by running drills on speed de-masking, freestyle face-touching, and alpine hand-washing.
“Unfortunately, we didn’t have time to create new medals in time for this event, but competitors need not worry,” says Mallory Grey, another Olympic spokesperson and self-appointed editor of the ‘Olympic and Paralympic deaths’ Wikipedia page. “Athletes who infect the highest number of fellow contestants will be awarded by having that fact on their conscience for the rest of their lives.”
The new event has been criticized for its blatant disregard for safety, being less exciting than downhill infection, and keeping the most thrilling parts of the event – the activities of the Olympic Village – behind closed doors.
At press time, in light of the emerging BA.2 Omicron subvariant, the Committee was considering adding events in “short track speed infection” and “blaming the mail.”
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