WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called today for Olympians to refrain from criticizing concentration camps and slavery, citing how embarrassing it was when Jesse Owens made a scene in front of Adolf Hitler.
“We can all learn something from the example of Jesse Owens—which is that if you don’t have something nice to say about a murderous dictator, then don’t say anything at all,” said Speaker Pelosi. “So yes, China has literal concentration camps and is actively committing genocide, exactly like the Nazis. Some day, history will look back on millions of Uyghurs being murdered by the Chinese government, and anyone who spoke out against that is going to look pretty foolish—just like Jesse Owens. I want every American athlete to think about how humiliating it was when Mr. Owens did not join in giving Hitler the Nazi salute. How hard was it to show the Fürher a little respect? I hope our athletes will treat President Xi better, especially with how much Nike stock I hold.”
Pelosi also warned athletes that their phones are being monitored and their rooms are bugged, but assured them that real communism has never been tried. NBC has bravely agreed to air the broadcast on a ten-minute delay to ensure anything critical said about China can be edited out, and the person who said it shot. NBC has received significant backlash for promoting an Olympics which benefits a genocidal regime, but executives for NBC pointed out the important fact that China has a lot of money.
In a surprise move, LeBron James initially pushed back on Pelosi’s warning with a tweet saying, “eyebrow lady tripping! u speak ur truth no holdz barred bro!!!”. However, he quickly learned that she was talking about China, and followed up with a new tweet saying “SHUT UP AND SKI!”
Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims the truckers hate him because he’s a brave he/him of color, eh?
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