OTTAWA – For the first time since Confederation, the top spot on the list of Canadian exports has shifted from the sweet syrup of the mighty maple tree to anti-vaccine, anti-government, pro-horn-honking convoys.
“We haven’t seen a Canadian product achieve anywhere near this kind of market saturation in so little time since we started exporting actors named Ryan in the mid-2000s,” said import-export expert Leslie Penderson. “These convoys are everywhere – France, New Zealand, Germany. Canadian-style vitriol is very hot right now.”
While many are attributing the genesis of anti-vaccine convoys to American money and political influence, experts are quick to point out that the convoys are just the latest right-wing product created in and exported by Canada.
“The Proud Boys who’ve been involved in numerous riots and the attack on the American capital were founded by Canadian Gavin McInnes, Jordan Peterson is Canadian, and while the Yellow Vest movement started in France, it was only when it was adapted by Canadians that it reached its full racist potential,” said hate economist Kevin Foley. “Canada has been an incubator for new and exciting forms of extremism for a while now.”
“Well, they’re not actually all that new or exciting, it’s mostly the same racism, bigotry, and antisemitic tropes about a secret cabal of world leaders that have been floating around western countries for the last couple of centuries, but the innovative maple leaf flag packaging is very chic.”
Maple syrup producers are taking the usurping of their product’s position in the export rankings in stride. “Sure, I would’ve preferred to be knocked out of the number one position by something a little less embarrassing, like diarrhea medication or comedians who exclusively tell jokes about Newfoundlanders, but such is life,” said maple syrup magnate Laurence Marsh.
“I do expect maple syrup to regain its spot on top of the export heap as soon as governments in Canada start cracking down on these harmful protests, so definitely at some point within the next five years.”
At press time, over 100 convoy participants had been arrested in New Zealand’s capital of Wellington, while in the Canadian capital of Ottawa over 100 convoy participants took a long, leisurely sauna before enjoying a festive barbecue.
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