NIAGARA FALLS, ON – The world of environmental activism has been rocked by David Suzuki’s recent revelation: against his own morals, he loves the Marineland jingle as much as the rest of us.
The science broadcaster made his confession in the following tweet: “It is time that I come forward and set the record straight: I fully oppose the inhumane practices at Marineland, but that jingle is banger, huh? #bars #literally”. He then added a bunch of dolphin emojis, but surrounded them in square brackets to show they were still in captivity and that is bad.
The revelation came after Suzuki was caught humming the tune as he prepared for the grand opening of a new conservation centre focused on facilitating healthy relationships between animals. Then, when asked what the name of the new conservation site would be, Suzuki responded, “Hmm, something like ‘Friendship Cove’… why does that sound familiar? Wait, shit.”
A former colleague, Morgan Faraday, came forward as the buzz rose. “Honestly, I should have caught on last year when he kept talking about how much he’d love to see sea lions kiss”, said Faraday. “No one just thinks about that unprompted, not even David.”
Despite the initial apology, Suzuki seemed eager to finally talk about his affinity for the song. “Okay, but that key change? The musicality is off the charts”, he tweeted just hours after the apology. “And don’t even get me started about Suzie McNeil’s vocals. Did you know she sang the fricken’ Believe song for the 2010 Olympics? Only hits with that one.”
This is only the latest in a string of recent celebrity confessions: last November, Jane Goodall made a similar public apology after being caught saying that chimps were “kinda gross, actually”. This event followed just months after the internet was rocked by a candid video of David Attenborough at a restaurant, revealing that he’s really had a thick Boston accent this whole time. Just last week, Barney the purple dinosaur admitted to being a creatonist on his official Instagram.
Suzuki was later caught doubling down on his interest in Marineland, having been spotted buying a season pass while wearing a baseball cap and fake beard over his own beard.
Jesus Christ is King
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