Opinion: I didn’t get it at first but once you start fucking Pete Davidson it totally makes sense

LOS ANGELES – By 2025, the World Health Organization predicts 80 percent of the world’s population will have contracted COVID-19, and 91 percent will have fucked Pete Davidson. 

I fucked Pete Davidson and I’m here to talk about it.

Pete Davidson has been on the receiving end of a lot of jokes regarding him dating women who are “out of his league.” A lot of people see him as “very average in every way” and “the poster child for white male mediocrity.” Sources confirm he likely only showers with wet wipes.

But I am here to tell you once you start fucking Pete Davidson, everything starts to make sense.

Pete first began being the butt of everyone’s jokes when he dated international pop star Ariana Grande. This didn’t make sense to anyone, but this is because no one but Ariana was fucking him at the time. They didn’t know what it’s like to be sitting at a bar alone when suddenly a man who perpetually looks like the 17 year old in high school who ignored you looks your way and says, “‘sup.” Or most importantly, how he fucks.

After a very public breakup of the two stars, Pete was then seen kissing Kate Beckinsale after which he admitted they were in a relationship. Kate belongs in a similar group of “women who are on paper so very much out of this fuckboy’s league,” but again, having not fucked Pete, people who believed this were wrong. Pete, without getting too graphic, not only has incredible sexual endurance but is someone who brings the best out of one’s own sexual abilities. Abilities someone maybe never thought they had. When fucking Pete those little dark desires you would never share with anyone come to light, and in a very safe and welcoming way. Had people known about this, they wouldn’t have been so impressed by Pete dating a much older, hotter woman and instead wondered if Pete was a bit out of Kate’s league.

Pete is now dating Kim Kardashian, a woman known for being the platonic ideal of what a woman is. The average person might think, “Okay, this is a joke now, hot women are dating Pete just to mess with us.” The problem with these idiots is they don’t know what it’s like to feel chased in the way Pete chases you. To be held the way Pete holds you. To be railed over an oven the way Pete rails you. 

That is to say, I recommend that everyone who still thinks Pete, “made a deal with the agents in the matrix to be plugged back in as a famous person who never works and sleeps with the hottest women ever,” should just fuck him, like I did. Then you’ll understand.

Beaverton