OTTAWA — As Ottawa enters its third week of occupation by Freedom Convoy protestors, Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly tendered his resignation today, citing a desire to spend more quality time with protestors outside of work.
In a press conference Tuesday afternoon, Sloly, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, again ignored criticisms of the OPS’s failure to act or present a plan for ending the disruption to the downtown core, to instead discuss the reasons behind his departure.
“I’ve had a lot of time to sit and think these past weeks and seeing all those bright, happy faces screaming at passers-by to ‘take that fucking mask off your face’, you can’t help but start think that there might be more to life than just not doing one’s job.”
“Sure there are a couple bad apples flouting rule of law and terrorizing civilians but working in police you expect that sort of thing.” said Sloly, defending protesters. “Really, if the protestors have any flaws, it’s that they’re too friendly. Always stopping my officers for selfies and high-fives and swarming them in big group hugs whenever they try to enforce bylaws.”
Sloly also cites a growing disillusionment with the “work” aspect of police work as a motivator for his exit.
“The minutia wears on you day by day, officers constantly bugging me with little things like ‘rampant workplace bullying and harassment’, I can usually shout them down but it’s really hard on my throat. ”
“I mean I love my job, specifically its pay and benefits”, referring to the position’s $300k salary and pension. “But when I’m on my death-bed, I’m not going to remember working overtime keeping people safe but chilling in a kick-ass hot tub on the Parliament lawn? That’s a memory I’ll treasure forever.”
“Plus, my boss is kind of an asshole.”, added Sloly referring to the people of Ottawa.
While Sloly is still months away from official retirement pending a lengthy review and slap on the wrist, the former chief is already making plans.
“Even though I’m retiring, I’ll still see all my old work buddies from the protest encampment across the street from OPS. I’ve always wanted to try carpentry as a hobby, maybe put together another lean-to in Confederation Park. But the thing I’m most looking forward to is the custom Winnebago I’ve ordered. Going to spend my golden years to honking across Ottawa with the missus.”
“Fingers-crossed, the protests are still happening by the time it arrives,” concluded Sloly.
Jesus Christ is King
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