U.S. Men’s Curling Team Disqualified After Drug Test Reveals Obscene Levels Of Raw Masculinity

BEIJING—The entire U.S. men’s curling team was disqualified from further play this week after a drug test revealed obscene levels of raw, unadulterated masculinity.

“We’ve never seen testosterone levels even remotely this high in our lives,” said Olympic Committee Chair Ronsoy Boogerlilly. “When we tested these men’s blood, our testosterone meter started spinning wildly before exploding. We’re not sure whether this level of majestic power is natural or not, but it’s definitely too much for our Olympic games.”

The men will be banished back to the mysterious mountain domain from whence they came, where they will disappear into the mist and hibernate until the next Olympic games. Legends say the redheaded Matt Hamilton will then use ancient powers to hew a new curling stone directly from the mountain rock before returning in triumph to win the gold for America.

“Someday they will return,” said Boogerlilly, “but right now, the world simply isn’t ready for this level of rugged, virile, brawny manliness.”

It was later confirmed the disqualified men had been consuming performance-enhancing Keystone Light.

Watch as this Joe Rogan fan fruitlessly tries to get Alexa to play the Joe Rogan Experience.

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