OTTAWA—The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have descended upon the Ottawa protests, readying their noble steeds to charge upon the outer walls of an inflatable yellow bouncy castle.
“For weeks now, we have laid siege to the so-called ‘Princess Castle’, but the rubber walls refuse to yield,” said police chief Jacques DuBois. “Our dear Prime Minister lobbed strongly-worded notes inside the castle walls, calling each dastardly dissenter a racist, homophobic bigot. Still nothing! We’ve sent men on foot, but some kid keeps closing the drawbridge every time they get too close. One officer got inside, only to come out a minute later puking his guts out from all the bouncing. The horror!”
The monstrous, violent protesters reportedly did step outside the castle to invite officers to join them for lunch, but the officers luckily followed their training and covered their ears to ward off hate speech. The Royal officers then mounted their great steeds and came into formation, preparing for a frontal assault on the Princess Castle battlements.
“One last time before we storm the keep, let us try to reason with these brutes!” shouted DuBois. “You! You in there! Poor people who bring me food! What are your terms for giving up the castle peaceably?”
From inside, a voice came back, “Just let us go back to work and live our own lives, eh?”
With that, the Royal Mounties dug into their stirrups and charged forward to storm the bouncy castle. However, sources at publishing time say the Mounties abandoned the assault and fled after the protesters farted in their general direction.
This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!
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