Supreme Court Approves Death Penalty For People Who Use Leaf Blowers Before 8 A.M.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a huge win for the Rule of Law, The U.S. Supreme Court has approved the death penalty for anyone who uses a leaf blower before 8 A.M. 

“Putting someone to death for waking up the entire neighborhood with an obnoxious leaf blower is not cruel and unusual punishment,” said Chief Justice John Roberts of the 9-0 decision. “It is a reasonable and just punishment. The national scourge of waking up to what sounds like a hairdryer being pointed in your ear before you’ve had your first cup of coffee must end.”

Florida will be the first state following the ruling to impose the death penalty for inconsiderate leaf blowing. “Look—this woke early-morning leaf blowing has got to stop!” said Governor Ron DeSantis. “As long as I’m governor, we will continue to protect our citizens from this evil menace! NOT ON MY WATCH!”

Public schools in Florida instantly responded, vowing to defy the governor by blowing leaf blowers in students’ faces 24/7 while teaching them CRT and making them wear masks. 

Several more states are expected to follow suit, at which point they will turn their attention to imposing the death penalty on those who mow their lawns after 9 P.M. 

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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