We get it. Sometimes church can be offputting, especially when people ask you to do things or suggest you should stop sinning. What a bunch of jerks!
When the time comes for you to separate from your brethren over a petty dispute we recommend keeping your eye open for these nine important things when shopping around for your new worship home.
1) No judgment at all even if you’re a big fat jerk: Jesus said not to judge and then He probably didn’t say anything else after that to qualify the statement. NO JUDGING!
2) Comfortable pews: Ever tried sleeping in a wooden pew? Your back will hurt for days! Might want to make sure they recline and have built-in massagers too.
3) A sermon series based around the latest Marvel movie: How can you understand the Bible without comparisons between Captain America and Jesus?
4) Top-of-the-line lighting and sound design: Aw yeah! The Holy Spirit can’t comfort you if you’re not rocking to some sweet jams. Bonus points for a high-quality fog machine.
5) A second, secret entrance without greeters: It’s best if we’re allowed to worship God in our own way without being friendly.
6) Diversity quotas: You want a pastor who’s just absolutely obsessed with race, like Jesus was.
7) At least 30 casserole varieties: What’s the point in getting to know people if there isn’t way too much free food?
8) Organic, certified, fair-trade coffee options: The big, old, 60-cup chrome percolator of coffee just doesn’t cut it anymore.
9) An airtight promise to never challenge your sin or ask you to change your lifestyle in any way: Jesus may have instituted the last supper but a church with gluten-free bread has perfected it.
And there you have it! Keeping these details in mind should help you find a church that’s accepting of you and doesn’t have any requirements or concerns for you at all. Just like God intended!
This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!
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