WASHINGTON, D.C.—From his fake White House set, President Joe Biden gave a televised address in which he lamented the involvement of guns in the military and implored Ukrainians to shoot invading Russian soldiers in the leg.
“Look, here’s the deal, Ukraine is under attack but that doesn’t mean they should shoot to kill,” he said before starstruck members of the mainstream media. “I have spoken with the Ukrainian president, whatever his name is, and asked him to talk with his soldiers. They need to shoot enemy combatants in the leg.”
He then leaned into the microphone for some reason and whispered, “Don’t stoop to Russia’s level!”
Russian aircraft, notorious for not shooting anyone in the leg, have been bombing Ukraine for over 24 hours, but Biden says that is no excuse.
“If you don’t see a leg then you’ve got to shoot the equivalent,” he said. “Wheels are the legs of the plane!”
General Mark Milley attempted to inform the president that it’s not possible to shoot a bomber with that kind of accuracy and that, even if you could, shooting a wheel off a plane mid-flight wouldn’t accomplish anything strategically significant. Biden, however, would not hear of it.
“Russians are just like us, probably,” said Biden. “Their lives are more valuable than babies in the womb. I don’t care how difficult it is to do the right thing!”
After being shown Biden’s comments, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy reportedly laughed.
“Thanks, I needed that,” he said. “But seriously, where’s President Trump?”
This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!
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