John Kerry Orders Emergency Airdrop Of Solar Panels To Ukraine To Offset Carbon Emissions

KYIV—Ukraine is under attack by its aggressive neighbor Russia, and Climate Czar John Kerry couldn’t just sit around and do nothing. Kerry immediately hopped in his private jet, picked up a stack of solar panels, and flew them into war-torn Ukraine to airdrop them to citizens and soldiers about to get hit hard by the Russian army.

“This will help offset your missiles’ carbon emissions!” Kerry shouted down at the surrounded Ukrainians. “You’re welcome!” Kerry says he hopes the solar panels will help the Ukrainians achieve carbon neutrality in the midst of a full-on attack by Russia.

The move comes after Kerry called on allied nations to not lose sight of the important thing during the Russian invasion of Ukraine: climate change. Kerry said he couldn’t sit idly by and had to put his money where his mouth is when it comes to action on climate change.

“So, I fired up ol’ Bessy — that’s what I call my private jet here — and sprang into action,” Kerry said proudly. “These puppies oughtta power a good two, two-and-a-half homes during the Russian invasion. And once Ukraine upgrades to green, all-electric tanks, they should be able to plug in and power them up to help defend against the Ruskies.”

Future missions will see Kerry airdropping wind turbines, carbon credits, and reusable straws.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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