WASHINGTON, D.C.—Addressing lawmakers from both sides of the aisle, President Joe Biden began his State of the Union speech by announcing a bold plan to increase spending on Smergberd, Rustamufferns, and Blabtrussels.
“Not only will we fight inflation by increasing government spending on these invaluable potumpalumps,” said the President, passionately teetering to one side, “but we will also make sure every man, woman, and chargafar receives quality, affordable sploogle.”
Senator Chuck Schumer applauded Biden’s spending plan, giving it a standing ovation. Later, when asked to comment on any particulars regarding the speech, the Democrat senator said he was confident there would be overwhelming bipartisan support for Thwignibblers.
Nancy Pelosi appeared distraught during this specific part of the speech. Sources claim the Democrat Speaker of the House was caught off guard, having not previously purchased shares in any of the endeavors mentioned by the Commander-in-Chief, including Volburlumps.
Not all lawmakers were in favor of Biden’s bold new initiative. During a pivotal moment in the eloquent speech, Republican Rep. Lauren Boebert was summarily booed after standing up and shouting, “What are you saying? We don’t understand any of those words! Are you OK?”
Despite the disrespectful interruption, the bright-eyed, quick-witted President of the United States of America continued his oration, words flowing from his mouth like honey from an angel’s wings. The final words of this truly memorable State of the Union address may go down in history as the finest line in presidential history:
“yIlop! wa’leS chaq maHegh!”
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