CAMPBELLVILLE, ON ― Local man Tanner Kendall recently reassured his fiancée, Selena O’Neil, that he was buying his wedding rings in a 4-pack because it’s cheaper, and definitely not because he has a second girlfriend, let alone a third or fourth.
“If I can get four silicone wedding bands for twenty bucks off Amazon, why blow two thousand on a single golden one from Tiffany’s?” Kendall reasoned. “You’re the one who always said she wouldn’t marry a man who wasn’t financially stable. At least I think it was you? With so many women in my life, it’s hard to keep track.”
“Women like my sister, of course. Not other girlfriends I proposed to recently, one of whom I’ve already impregnated. The fact that you’re considering the possibility such people exist shows a disturbing lack of trust.”
Kendall contended that he needs different coloured rings to match with his shirts, and that there’s no reason to think he has devised a colour-coding system for his future wives. “Plus, if I lose one, it’s no biggie. I mean, other than the loss of an object of such sentimental value, which I would obviously never allow. But still, better safe than sorry. Oh, look, they even come in camo!”
“He told me girlfriends require more maintenance than wives, so you should marry quickly to combat rising inflation. And that since toddlers often wander into traffic, you also need a few spare offspring. I explained that relationships aren’t a commodity and it’s sexist to treat women this way,” recalled Kendall’s friend Isaac Stein.
“Then he gave me this weird smile and said it wasn’t just women, before rambling about what an asset my friendship will be in the capitalist apocalypse.”
When the discussion turned to who would cater the wedding reception, Kendall suggested Hooters, arguing that they provide four times the food for the price of a professional caterer, and offer great deals like 50% off the sixth wedding.
“Most of my relatives won’t be coming, anyway. They’re invited to another wedding that weekend. I know, I know, whose wedding would my parents choose over their only son’s? Well, um, let’s just say that this other groom is as much a son to them as I am.”
At press time, Kendall had retrieved the wedding ring his wife of three years had just thrown at him on her way out and presented it to another fiancée, telling her, “I wouldn’t get a ring this nice for just any woman, but you’re worth every penny.”
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